Depressed?

It has been a long time, hasn’t it?

Guess I and consistency have about nothing in common *sighs*

Here is a poem I wrote on a gloomy day of what I felt.

Hope you enjoy it and gain strength from it.

I feel even more pessimistic these days,

I can see the darkness,

Ever growing,

Ever overwhelming,

It keeps trying to gobble me up,

Its arms as warm as they are cold,

Its sirens call so pleasing to my heart,

Hovering so close

Like the stalker I do not want to rid of,

But I am still laughing,

So cheers to another day,

I give up not yet!

Let’s live another day together

PS: Told you I love taking pictures of the sky..😁😁

I

Ever more people today have the means to live, but no meaning to live for.
By : Viktor Frankl

I

I is selfish
I am selfish

I get angry when someone comes along and shares all these elaborate plan on what they envision their future to turn out. I still can’t choose between rice and pasta for what to eat. I became ‘Miss I don’t know’. Daddy used to get real pissed at me when he asks about what I want to do going further in life and I’m as clueless as a newborn so now I just rant off whatever comes to mind that moment.
In my ears I sound like a broken record.
I can’t even plan my day efficiently and get all tasks done for the day. Who am I kidding!
This is a…
I’m lost.
It’s so dark sometimes I take out my phone and begin to waste time. I hate my life been planned for me. But I hate my life without a plan even more.

Few years ago, I made this dumb statement.

I have time.

I’m quite ahead of my age mates academically.
Bullshit!
That has been my only achievement.

When I see people run around, determined looks on their faces and all I wonder is where they are heading to.

I judge
I scoff at them in my heart, ‘Oh! Some of these people are just trying to provide food for this week. They are not living the dream they once had.

I really hope someday I’ll read this entry and smile and tell my youth self, ‘I made it. I am living our dream. I am everyday reaching new goals’
Wish there was a time machine to see that.

I’m scared.

Longing Heart

*Warning: The write up you are about to read, contains a toxic and high level of staning😭😭 and delulu-nization. Not suitable for normal people who can distinguish between reality and delusion*

YOU’VE BEEN WARNED💃💃

LONGING HEART

-Perhaps we were not meant to be,

We were willing, even to cross the sea.

But fate was never in our favor

From thousand miles we reached out to each other

But in vain was our labor.

-What did we ever do wrong?

All we wanted was a chance with each other

We were like Jiknyeo and Gyeonwu

Who had to work so hard to meet only once a year.

-Oh! What cruel fate we have!

But remember, no matter how far,

No matter how hard,

As long as your heart beats for me

Mine shall always beat for you, my love

-To you💜…

Found this in my jotterbook.. Don’t even want to know who I thought of while writing it. Hopefully, not V…😒😕

BTW, I was watching the vertical version of BTS- Make it right and It is such a surprise to myself as my heart beats fast just seeing V’s face and hearing that voice that strikes warmth and love in me.

It makes me wonder when this Oppadoration will end. Any way, whilst it last. I will enjoy it with all my heart.

Unexplainable Emotions

Unexplainable Emotions

Ever woken up and just wanted to cry?
Or just walked around pissed off without a reason and just waiting for the first person to do something as simple as step on your toes so that you can vent your fury on them?
Ever woke up and started humming and wiggling your butt to songs and smiling happily?..

I’m so bloody weird.

Sometimes I hate everyone around me, sometimes I love everyone around me.
When I was in high school, I used to be a very social kid until someone told me I was a talkative and then just like that, I ostracized every one. By the time I was graduating as a senior I had about a handful of friends. I graduated from college last year and currently, I keep in touch with only ONE of those friends.
Sometimes, I feel I’m a bad person for not even putting in efforts to keep in touch but then I remember all the times I take out time and my own money for call card just to say ‘Hi‘ to them and they don’t even return the gesture. I mean we are all students, if I don’t even mean that much to you then you shouldn’t mean so much to me as well🤷
Similar shit happened to me in college and at this point I just give up. I enjoy the friendship while it lasts and let go when it fades.

Cold

I know but I’m trying to maintain a fairly healthy mental life.

Throughout last week, I had a pretty bad mood which actually stemmed from the fact (after careful pondering) that someone didn’t take my joke as a joke…. I admit I was wrong now… But I didn’t then, so I was pissed off at his ‘childishness and inability to take a joke’

Trust me if you’ve never experienced it, there’s nothing as irritatingly annoying as someone who can’t take a joke🤧🤧

I had to talk with the Holy Spirit.. If you are a Christian and you don’t do this.. You should try it.. ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️ A five star recommendation😋… And He reminded me of something I watched a long time ago, where the main cast said, ‘If it is a joke and the subject is not laughing, it is bullying’ I felt bad and told him sorry and immediately, my bad mood was over like a switch.

So all in all, there are no unexplainable emotions. Searching your mind and trying to remember where it stemmed from is a good idea..

Oopps! This is a diary not an advice column but I guess lessons can be learnt right?😂😂

Now I have two stories that came from my unexplainable emotions, one funny and one… sadly funny😥

1st,

One day or week, I was going through my UE..stemmed from the fact that I was mostly angry at myself for not being social and for that reason, I was angry with everyone around me that day.

After a mini fellowship meeting, rain was falling quite heavily but because I couldn’t stand seeing everyone in their cliques I left and walked through the rain feeling sorry for myself. A clique of two close friends passed by me with an umbrella and didn’t even bother to ask me if I wanted to join so I became even more pissed and started running. As I passed them while running, I couldn’t help thinking, “SO LONG SUCKERS!!” and just as I thought that, I got to the gate, saw a flash and met myself on the floor. I didn’t notice the bolted gate and ran headlong into it..

Needless, to say I had swelling the size of an egg on my forehead and I suffered it for a week😫😪😪

The 2nd,

Is the story of how I met my first and for now only, real life, boy I can see and meet everyday crush.

I was pissed at myself as usual but hating on every clique taking pictures when he said Hi.. Still swooning just thinking of that moment..

I looked at him wondering why he was talking to me and a part of me, started hating him thinking he was like the annoying others who would ask why I’m alone, I should mingle up bla bla bla. Instead, he smiled, said Hi and introduced himself.

At that point, my best friend (who is a social bird.. Still don’t know how I end up with such friends everytime🤦) in college came to me and he was like, ‘You are her friend!!? I was just wondering who she was, standing in a corner so quietly.. (I might need to add here that I have been an usher before he even came to the fellowship.. A devoted one!!! And he did not know my freaking face!! If I was in Kuroko no basket.. I am legit Tetsuya😲) … I like quiet people‘ and just like that, I’m seeing how handsome he is, how cute his smile and voice is.. Swoons.. Crush activated

Now for the story crusher..(ooohh..the crush story crusher. Just admit I’m weird and sigh😂😂) He never remembered me after that day, though he still knew/knows my friend😭😭

Last time I saw him was when I was finishing up my clearance as a graduate and my friend who was very happy to see him because I kept chanting his name and praying I see him one last time before I leave asked him if he knew me…

He looked at me for a while and asked if I was in the same fellowship with them i.e he and my friend.. I plucked my 3yrs old crush at that point from my heart and stomped on it with all gusto😂😂😂

Now back to unexplainable emotions, Moral lesson of all this gist?

Trace it back to the root.. 😉

You can also try this chant, doesn’t exactly work but it’s fun trying to remember.. I don’t know the full version.. You can go browse it out yourself.

Kim soohamu geobu giwa kurumi sancho gabcha dong baksak chichi ka po seri seri seta wori wori seprika methusellah.. Not sure that is the spelling or order but that’s how it stuck to me.. Learnt from Secret garden(kdrama)

This should have been published yesterday but We lost a bright star I will always remember. Rest in Peace Sulli😢

Pet peeves and Silent Violence

9th October, 2019

Now I’m not promising to write everyday but the journals to come with have a tablespoon of my day’s experience.

This morning I woke up officially by 5:30am, I’m not a morning person but I am currently serving my country as a Corp member in a school quite far from where I live. We had our corporate devotion where I live and I went to ready myself for the day. Dressed up, breakfast eaten, lunch in a lunch cooler, I moved out to meet a friend I commute together with to work.

..Now that’s where what always happens, happened….

Something I am sure most of us especially the ladies are fond of and care less about.

She was not out.

I called her line and it kept going to voicemail.

I tried the number of the man who was to be our ride to work and Viola! He’s not picking either!!!😤

I’m steaming at this point and I wanted to destroy the world😂😂

My brain decides to fuel my emotion by bringing back to memories times I have been delayed by my friend and our ride.

I see red😡 and my day is going down the hill already.

All of a sudden, in my state I remember the horror Korean drama I was watching yesterday. Of people with anger issues, I remember Im Siwan oppa’s face and Lee Dong Wook oppa’s face.

I’m swooning and giggling.

My ride comes with my friend to pick me up and I have forgotten why I was angry in the beginning.

I get to work and find out…….

Dramatic drum Rolls…

We are the first to arrive.

My anger would have been stupid if it surfaced.

Now, question of the day:

How many times we experience our pet peeves and we end up ‘over reacting‘? Or imagining the 10,000 ways we could take a life and go scout free.

Obviously, to the people we react to.. And perhaps when we calm down and think back and wonder why we took it too far.

I once broke my water bottle when I was in senior secondary school.

That was when I started to learn to suck it all up…Which by the way, if you don’t have an outlet for it, you should never try…

My escape is a loud blasting earpiece/headphone of popsongs especially kpop (Don’t you dare roll your eyes, if you’re not a fan. You have no idea how many lives kpop has saved, maybe even yours!😂😂😂😂) or a delicious rom-com to make me forget.

Now, I want to ask.

How do you stop your violent streak when your pet peeves occurs?

Welcome!!

‘If you make enough bad decisions, every once in a while things work out for you’

Geoff Ramsey

Hi!

To everyone who wanders here unintentionally or not.. Apparently, this blog was created in 2016 though unfortunately, I can’t remember when I did. It makes me wonder how many weird/rash/wrong/right decisions and actions I have taken as a growing youth and forgotten right after🤔🤔

Right at this moment, I wonder the words I’ve said, heard, commitments I’ve made and forgotten all about and is being held against me someplace I don’t remember till today. Procastinations of great or perhaps weird decisions.

Is it just me?

This is the diary of a growing youth created on the 23rd of June, 2016 by VICKYCROWN, forgotten about but by a stroke of miracle remembered today, 8th of October, 2019.

I AM LAZY TAE-Y….

Nice to meet you🤗🤗

PS: One of my favourite pastimes is taking pictures of nature especially the sky.. You have been warned😁😂😂